A Rant in Retrospect

Do you know why I have a blog?  It's because, while I don't mind lending my handprint to the millions of others who have useless and superficial websites both personal and professional, I don't find the need to constantly express my opinion in a public forum for validation.  Plus, I find my blog to be quite innocuous, comparatively, and I'm not sure people could handle the absence of a dozen porn ads or someone arguing about a Michael Bay movie.

Most of the time, I use this blog as a journal, reflecting on pleasant memories or things I find interesting.  From time to time, however, I will lash out in what I believe to always be a well-stated and to-the-point complaint.  One that I hope many might agree with.  So, it's not to complain for complaining's sake.  It's never something I can fix simply by making any kind of stand or, God forbid, starting an online petition that will only serve to clog the internet's throat with more pointless garbage.  It's usually something that:


A.  Happens to exist.

B.  I don't like.

C.  There's absolutely nothing I can do about.

Commence Well-Stated and To-the-Point Complaint:

I'm not one for critics.  I enjoy a good judgment call here and there.  In fact, I'm about to make several.  Where would we be without some standard guide or set of rules for everything in the known universe?  Most of the time, I rely on my own schema of understanding, experience and know-how to decide on what products, books, movies, restaurants, tv shows, department stores to participate in patronizing.  Yet there are those rare moments when I am in unfamiliar territory and might need to entrust part of my decision on someone else.

When I go in search of reviews for any of the aforementioned items, I'm looking for several things.  Most websites, I've noticed, have built wonderful hold-my-hand forms for reviewers to fill out.  Instead of presuming that a human being knows how to write a review (which will eventually become the purpose for this blog entry) they include points of interest to guide you along your way.  They ask your age range, your occupation, your location, your frequency of purchasing similar products or from a similar company.  They ask for both the pros and the cons of the product and often, they include a chart or survey for the most common questions or concerns such as, "Does this boot stretch to accommodate wide calves?" or "Do these jeans run large or small?"


This blog should serve as a review of reviews.  But. . .not really because I'm pretty sure I'll be breaking a few of the "Review Rules" along the way.  It is a "Rant Review" and is only permitted because it is tucked away in the recesses of the interwebs and should not be appearing on any informational sites where people are looking for the answer to their most pressing of questions.  Will I like this product?

What a review IS:

1.  Know your product!  If there are directions, read them.  Oh and also. . .follow them!  A negative review due to your own negligence is both unfair and a waste of a researcher's time.  Know what a product is supposed to do, when it is supposed to have done it, and what those results should look like.

2.  How long have you been using it?  Use common sense (I know. . .it's super hard) and know ahead of time how long a product must be in use before you see results.

3.  What about benefit of the doubt?  Every one has a bad day.  If you decide to hit up a new restaurant and nothing goes your way - don't write them off like it's the end of the world and you've been personally offended.  Jumping the gun by impulsively dragging someone's name through the muck is incredibly cruel.  Reviews are not meant to be cruel, they are fair and meant to. . .

4.  Make comparisons.  Most company's review forms these days will not allow you to include another product or company by name.  Bad for business.  Do what the commercials do!  Make a comment about a "leading brand."  Just be sure to make it known that a comparison was made and whether the product in question was better, the same or worse.

5.  Be concise.  Nobody cares if you bought it for your daughter and she loves it because her friends think it looks cute!  Your personal story has no relevance to what the product might do for me.  If it was a pair of rain boots, tell me if your daughter used them in the rain and if they held up or leaked.  Tell me if they looked the same or different from the provided photo.  Tell me if they fit true to size.

6.  Use correct grammar.  This is not some informal gab-session with your gal pals.  You are participating on a professional website and someone's livelihood may depend on your contribution.  Take it a little bit seriously.  Spell check.  Use complete sentences, punctuation, the whole 9 yards.  Or at least 7 yards.  If you want to be taken seriously, this is just a prerequisite.  If English is not your first language. . .you'll probably do better than most.

7.  Read the other reviews!  Someone might have noted the same complaint or praise you are about to offer.  See what other people are saying about the product and either concur or rebuff in your own review.  And back it up!  While a review is part personal opinion, you are also being depended upon to include facts about a real-life product.

8.  What about that personal opinion?  When you venture into reviews of media and entertainment, things can start to get really ugly.  Reception to art is extremely subjective.  We're not talking about a physical "does this fit a wide foot" or "how long are these pants and can I cuff them" item.  We're talking about something emotional and based on personal experience and taste.

When reviewing for movies, tv shows, books, and music. . .one must tread lightly and yet, hardly anyone does.  Because such things evoke an emotional and visceral reaction, one's review is sure to be tainted by bias.  Yes, there is a specific formula for something to be good; if, by good, we mean it follows the rules!

If I were to ask you what the formula is for a book or a movie, I would hope that years and years of grade school would constitute an answer that combines words like plot, characters, protagonists and antagonists, voice and dialogue, rising and falling action, climax.

However, if I were to ask you what makes a book or movie good, I might get very different answers.  You might mention an actor's or author's name.  Or maybe a specific scene that made you laugh until you cried.  Perhaps you enjoy loud noises, explosions and bright colors.  Or you enjoy learning a lesson; seeing a mirror of reality or a society you can sympathize with.  Some movies, books or music might just hold sentimental value because it reminds you of a specific time in your life.

The value of entertainment is completely arbitrary.  Huge blockbusters make millions of dollars and yet they are often predictable, the very essence of what many movie snobs say is death to film.  Indie Sundance films often get little recognition except from a small elite who are afraid to say they didn't like it.  Don't even get me started on some of these supposed genius gems.

In conclusion, when reviewing something as both important and unimportant as entertainment, your best bet is to refer to Number 1 of this list.  Know your product!  What is its intention?  Is it obvious that it's supposed to be predictable?  Is it meant to be tongue-in-cheek?  Is it a parody?  A satire?  Is it intended to be an homage or copycat?  Be cautious when reviewing art.  Your review should NEVER be just what you thought.  It should be directly connected to what was intended by the artist.  Otherwise, you just look like a jackass.

/End of Tangent

What a review is NOT:

1.  A description of what a product or company's intentions are.  I can read the back jacket of a book.  Trailers already give me the tagline and plot of a movie.  I can go to a company's website and read their mission statement or product guarantees.  Your job is to let me know how they measured up to their advertising.

2.  A detailed summary of a film, book, or television program.  Biggest.  Gripe.  Ever.  Do not exhaust a reader's patience with a huge unbroken, solid block of text, describing to me what the film, book, or tv show was about.  This is supposed to be a review, not a retelling for your book club.

3.  An excuse to show the world how intelligent you are because you took a year of film, culinary, or English Lit. and now know a few buzz words.  If you want to show off because you're tops. . .do it!  But you better know your business.  Because, especially if it's a forum, you will get called out on it.  Or you'll just look like an insufferable know-it-all who is more interested in technicality than enjoyment or satisfaction.

4.  Forgetting a character's name or other pertinent information.  I have actually seen this.  No joke:  I once read a review for a tanning lotion that claimed there was a specific chemical in the lotion that she had read was dangerous.  But she couldn't remember what it was.  You are writing this review online, correct?  Which means you have an entire wealth, a cornucopia even. . .one might say a plethora. . .of facts about whatever you are reviewing at your fingertips.  Use it!  Do not expect your reader to have to do this on their own.  This is why they came to your review.

5.  Going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.  I mentioned in the "do's" that you should be concise.  I really mean it.  Pick and choose your battles.  What do you definitely want to include and what is just repetition?  So you ate at a bad restaurant, had intolerable service & the bathrooms were gross.  I don't need to hear every single detail about why it was bad, intolerable or gross.  Give me a couple examples and get out!  If you're looking to make mad bank on your excruciating experience, get a publisher.

If you follow these rules, chances are that the time and effort you put into your review will actually be beneficial for a reader/researcher.  You might save someone from themselves.  If you don't follow these rules, at the very least. . .be really, really, really funny about it.