It's one thing to watch news videos of the recent devastation in Japan due to the 8.9 earthquake and subsequent tsunami in which cars and whole houses are being swept away like toys in a bathtub.
But I just saw some aerial footage of the wave as it quickly approached moving vehicles on roads in its path. And it's the most frightening thing I've ever seen. Because it's real. I'm sitting here by myself, covering my mouth with my hands with tears streaming down my face, yelling, "Get out of there! Go, it's coming!" It sounds so ridiculous and comical and what kind of advice is that anyway? Where are they gonna go? Who outruns a tsunami wave?
There were people in those cars. They were moving. There were people in there.
I see the death toll rising. Numbers. Just numbers. But those people on that video were moving one minute and then they were gone. Now they're just numbers, too.
I substituted in a 2nd grade classroom on Thursday and we had some downtime so I read them Dr. Seuss's Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? It means a whole lot more today than it did yesterday.
They make insane disaster specials about this kind of stuff. The sort of thing you'll catch on TRUtv in the middle of a weekend afternoon. Between the world's dumbest criminals and crazy cop shootouts. I'm drawn to it out of morbid curiosity. For goodness sake, I grew up wanting to chase storms for a living. A small part of me still longs for that sense of danger but it's so different now. So different.
It's weird when you come to grips with your mortality. Scratch that, I haven't come to grips with it, I'm just vaguely aware of it. No matter how much you try not to take anything for granted there is still always a part of you that believes nothing bad will happen to you so that when it does, you're shocked.
Having a husband and someone to care about as much as I do mine. . .allowing my thoughts to drift into dangerous what-ifs. . .it changes things, it does. What if he has to stay late at work and then gets into an accident he would have avoided if he'd come home on time? What if I tell him to come home on time and he gets into that accident anyway and would have avoided it if he'd worked late? What if I decide not to go with him somewhere because I don't feel like it and he never comes back?
Of course, moms are really good at these what-ifs as well.
My mum texts me at 6 this morning:
"Fretting! What's the situation?"
At this point, I have no idea what she's even talking about. I'm just waking up, starting my day. Like any other day. Except today I've got a 2nd grade job to get to and I can't plop down and cry over the tv for the next 6 hours and text her updates.
All day, I tried to remember back to when I was in 2nd grade. I guess my cares, worries and concerns were all pretty trivial, too. I took some time to talk about the earthquake and the tsunami with my kids in the class. Some of them knew what had happened and a few of them were just finding out from me. I got out the map and showed them where Japan was and where we were and how far the wave was going to travel to get to us. We talked about what causes earthquakes and why they happen. We talked about tsunamis and did a little experiment with water to show how a few drops can be very different from a whole cup. One little boy had a lot to share but kept calling it "the salami." A smile's not a bad thing today.
I kind of just wanted to come home, though. Find out what was happening, be a part of it. It hurt a little to see how much these kids didn't care. Not their fault. It's too removed, too far away. Not within their scope. It's barely on my radar. I'm only affected because I keep watching videos to remind myself that it's happened and happening. Amazing youtube videos in which any Japanese amateur can film and upload their plight during this catastrophe. Thank goodness. It's more sensational, less sensationalistc. It humanizes this whole thing. And that's coupled with my more recent grasp of the fragility of our predicament here on this planet. It truly does put things in perspective. Or at least it will. Until it's been a few days and we all go back to our regular lives and refer to it as that terrible, unfortunate thing that happened to someone else.
My heart goes out to all of those who have lost anyone in this tragedy, whether through death or because they are still missing. And that's not just something to say. An empty condolence. My heart is surely breaking because this is just one of those things that sucks. It just sucks. What else can you say? It's nobody's fault. No one to blame. No one did anything wrong. It just happened. And it sucks.
Because when things die back down and we start putting Japan back together again, there will still be hundreds of mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, grandparents, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, friends wondering, "What if?"
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